Scripts for meaningful conversations:
parent-to-child
When Your Child Tells You Who They Are
A gentle guide for Christian parents talking to their child about sexuality or gender.
There is no handbook for the moment your child says,
“I think I might be gay,” or
“I don’t feel like the gender everyone sees me as.”
Your heart can do a lot at once.
You might feel love, fear, confusion, grief, protectiveness, even anger.
You might worry about their safety, their faith, your family, your church.
None of that makes you a bad parent. It makes you a human one.
This guide is here to sit in that moment with you.
It will help you slow things down, choose words that keep your child close, and avoid the kinds of reactions that shut them down or push them away.
You do not have to understand everything today.
You do not have to solve it or “fix” anything tonight.
You just need to keep the bridge between you and your child standing.
What's In This Script?
This guide walks you through how to talk with your child after they share something about how they see themselves.
You will find:
how to respond in a way that signals safety, even if you feel shocked or unsettled inside
simple phrases that tell your child, “You are still loved and wanted here”
gentle questions that invite them to open up instead of defend themselves
the common reactions that feel “honest” in the moment but could land as rejection
how to repair things if your first response came from fear or anger rather than love
You are not being asked to have a perfect theology or a polished speech. You are being invited to protect something sacred: your relationship with your child.
This guide will help you do this without asking you to sacrifice your beliefs and values. In fact, your religion will be your guide to persevering through this challenging time, just as other Christian families like yours have before.
Quick Actions (Start Here Before You Talk)
1. Start with gratitude, not panic.
“Thank you for trusting me with this. I know that took courage.”
That one line can lower the fear in the room for both of you.
2. Make love explicit.
Say it clearly and out loud:
“I love you. That has not changed and it will not change.”
Do not assume they already know.
3. Listen longer than feels comfortable.
Resist the urge to jump in with fixes, lectures, or Bible verses.
Let them talk. Nod. Breathe. Ask, “What has this been like for you?”
4. Avoid “fixing” language.
Steer clear of: “This is a phase,” “We’ll sort this out,” “We’ll get you help to change.”
Your child needs to feel understood, not treated as a problem.
5. Keep the door open on purpose.
End with something like:
“We don’t have to figure everything out today. I’m here, and we can keep talking when you’re ready.”
Part 1: The First Response (The First 48 Hours)
What to Say Immediately
Start here:
"Thank you for trusting me with this. I know that took courage, and I'm so glad you felt safe enough to tell me."
Why this matters: Your child needs to know that sharing this with you won't destroy your relationship. Everything else can be figured out later.
Then say:
"I love you. That hasn't changed, and it's not going to change. You're still you, and you're still my child."
Why this matters: Your child is watching your face, your tone, your body language. They're terrified you'll reject them. Don't leave room for doubt about your love.
And then:
"I don't have all the answers right now, and I'm going to need some time to process this. But I want you to know that I'm here, I'm listening, and we're going to figure this out together."
Why this matters: Honesty without rejection. You're allowed to feel overwhelmed—just don't make your child feel like the problem.
What NOT to Say (Even If You're Thinking It)
❌ "This is just a phase."
Child’s potential interpretation: I'm not taking you seriously.
❌ "What did we do wrong?"
Child’s potential interpretation: You're a mistake.
❌ "Let's pray about this and see if it changes."
Child’s potential interpretation: You need to be fixed.
❌ "Don't tell anyone else yet."
Child’s potential interpretation: I'm ashamed of you.
Part 2: Questions to Ask Your Child
Your goal: Understand, not interrogate.
Good Questions to Ask
✅ "How long have you been thinking about this?"
Helps you understand this isn't sudden or impulsive
✅ "What made you decide to tell me now?"
Shows you're curious about their process, not just the outcome
✅ "How are you feeling about all of this?"
Puts the focus on their emotional state, not your reaction
✅ "What do you need from me right now?"
Empowers them to guide the conversation
✅ "Is there anything you're scared of or worried about?"
Opens the door for them to share fears (bullying, rejection, etc.)
✅ "Who else knows? And who else do you want to tell?"
Respects their agency over their own story
Questions to Avoid
❌ "Did someone convince you of this?"
Implies they're being manipulated
❌ "Have you been watching too much social media?"
Dismisses their feelings as external influence
❌ "Are you attracted to anyone?"
Too invasive for this stage; let them share when ready
❌ "Do you want to start dressing differently / using different pronouns?"
Don't jump ahead; follow their lead
Part 3: Questions Your Child Might Ask You
Be ready. They're going to have questions, too.
"Do you still love me?"
Say this: "Yes. Absolutely. Always. Nothing you could ever tell me would change that."
"Are you disappointed in me?"
Say this: "I'm not disappointed in you. I'm just trying to understand something that's new to me. My love for you isn't conditional on you being a certain way."
"Do you think I'm going to hell?"
Say this (even if you're unsure yourself): "What I know is that God loves you, and so do I. I'm not going to pretend I have all the theological answers right now, but I do know that you are precious, you are loved, and you are mine."
What NOT to say: Anything that makes them feel condemned. You can wrestle with your theology later—privately.
"Are you going to try to change me?"
Say this: "No. I'm not going to force you to be someone you're not. What I am going to do is make sure you're safe, healthy, and supported. That's my job as your parent."
Critical: If you're even considering "conversion therapy," know this: it doesn't work, and it will harm your child and your relationship. Many major organizations (medical-secular and religious) have condemned it.
"Can I tell my friends?"
Say this: "Let's talk about who you feel safe telling and what you might want to say, so you're prepared for how people might react."
Why this matters: They need to feel in control of their own narrative, but they also need your guidance on navigating social dynamics.
Part 4: Practical Decision to Make Together
Be ready. They're going to have questions, too.
Decision 1: Who Else Should Know?
Talk through:
Siblings: Do they need to know right now? (Usually yes, if they're old enough to notice changes)
School: Does your child want teachers or counselors informed for safety?
Extended family: Grandparents, aunts, uncles—these conversations can wait until you're both ready
Agreement to make: "We won't tell anyone without talking to each other first. This is your story, and I respect that."
Decision 2: What About School?
If your child is being bullied or feels unsafe:
Talk to the school counselor or principal
Document any incidents
Make sure your child knows you'll advocate for them
If your child wants to use a different name or pronouns at school:
Listen to what they're asking for and why
Research your school's policies
Don't make this decision in a vacuum—involve your child in the conversation
If you're worried about how this came to be:
Peer pressure/social influence can’t cause same-sex attraction or gender confusion any more than they could influence the opposite. If it were that easy to switch on and off, plenty of folks would’ve switched to being straight and traditional to avoid all the trouble.
Decision 3: What About Church or Faith Community?
This is tricky because faith communities vary widely.
Questions to consider:
Is our church a safe place for our child right now?
Will church leaders support us or pressure us toward "conversion therapy"?
Does our child want to keep attending, or do they need a break?
Options:
Keep attending but be selective about who you tell
Take a temporary break to give your family space to process
Every church/faith community is different; you know yours best. But know that there are many out there all over the country that will welcome your struggles with this experience not just with open hearts and minds but with experience helping families like yours find healthy, faith-aligned lives.
What to say to your child: "I know faith is important to our family, and I want it to be a source of comfort for you, not shame. Let's figure out how to navigate church in a way that feels safe for you."
Part 5: When Your Child Asks About "Transitioning" or Identity Labels
If your child says, "I think I might be transgender":
Don't panic. This doesn't mean irreversible medical decisions are happening tomorrow.
Do say: "Okay. Help me understand what that means to you. What does being transgender feel like for you?"
What happens next in reality (not in fear-based scenarios):
Most young people exploring gender will spend MONTHS or YEARS in social transition only (name, pronouns, clothing, presentation)
Medical intervention (puberty blockers, hormones) comes MUCH later and only after extensive counseling
Doctors follow a "watchful waiting" approach—they're not rushing kids into anything
What to focus on now:
Keeping your child emotionally healthy
Finding a therapist who specializes in gender identity (NOT "conversion therapy")
Staying connected so your child doesn't pull away from you
If your child says, "I think I might be gay/bisexual":
Do say: "Thank you for telling me. What does that mean for you right now? Are you dating anyone, or is this more about how you're feeling inside?"
Don't jump to:
Dating rules
Purity culture lectures
Conversations about marriage
Keep it simple: Your child is sharing their internal experience with you. Just listen.
Part 6: Safety Planning
Create a Safety Plan
✅ Check in daily.
"How are you today? Anything on your mind?"
Avoid anything that might feel to your child like interrogation.
✅ Choose a code word or signal.
If your child is struggling and needs help but can't say it out loud, they say or text you the code word
✅ Know the warning signs:
Withdrawal from family and friends
Talk of feeling hopeless
Giving away belongings
Sudden mood swings
✅ Have a plan if things get really bad:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988
Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741
Say this to your child: "If you ever feel like you're in a dark place and you don't know how to get out, I need you to come to me—no matter what time it is, no matter how scared you are. I will drop everything. You are my priority."
Part 7: What to Say About "Conversion Therapy" (If It Comes Up)
If someone (a church leader, family member, online resource) suggests "therapy to help your child align with their biological sex" or "resolve same-sex attraction":
Know this:
There's no evidence it works.
It causes depression, anxiety, and trauma.
By selling you a “solution” that has been proven to be ineffective, people are profiting off your fear and taking advantage of you during a difficult time.
Say this to your child:"Some people might suggest that there's 'therapy' that can change who you are. I want you to know that I will never put you through that. You don't need to be changed. You need to be loved and supported. That's what I'm going to do."
Part 8: Giving Your Child Persmission to be Themselves at Home
✅ They can talk about their feelings without being shut down
✅ They're not walking on eggshells, afraid you'll reject them
✅ You're asking questions out of curiosity, not judgment
✅ They see you educating yourself (reading, listening, learning)
✅ You're not forcing them into norms or habits that don’t feel right for them
Practical example:
If your child wants to try a different name at home, don’t immediately shut it down. If you’re still processing, you can say that you’re thinking about how something like a new name or pronoun would affect their day-to-day, while keeping communication open.
If your child wants to change their appearance (haircut, clothing), don't make it a battleground.
It's about keeping the relationship open so your child doesn't retreat into secrecy and isolation – which is different than just “giving in” to your child and setting aside your authority and wisdom as an adult.
Part 9: What To Do if the Conversion Doesn't Go Well
If you reacted badly in the moment - it’s okay.
Go back and repair it.
"I need to apologize. When you told me [what you shared], I reacted out of fear, and I said things I shouldn't have said. You didn't deserve that. I love you, and I'm sorry. Can we try this again?"
Your child will remember your apology more than your initial reaction.
If your child shuts down and won't talk:
Don't force it. Just stay present.
"I know I didn't respond the way you needed me to. I'm here whenever you're ready to talk. And even if you're not ready to talk, I'm still here. I love you."
Part 10: What To Do if the Conversion Doesn't Go Well
Don't leave things unresolved.
Before you end this first conversation, say:
"This is a lot for both of us to process. I'm going to need time to learn and think, and I know you might need space too. But I want to check in with you again soon. Can we talk again [tomorrow/this weekend]?"
And then:
"One more thing: I'm so proud of you for being brave enough to tell me this. I know it wasn't easy. Thank you for trusting me."
Next Steps After The First Conversation
✅ Educate yourself. Read, listen, learn—from trustworthy sources, not fear-based ones.
✅ Find support. Connect with other Christian parents who've navigated this.
✅ Check in with your child regularly. Not about "the issue"—just about life.
✅ Consider family therapy. A therapist can help facilitate conversations and keep everyone feeling heard.
A Word From Parents Who Have Been There
You don't need perfect words. You just need to show up with love.
Download our free guide: The Christian Family Companion: A 4-Part Guide for the First Year After Your Child Shares Their Struggle.
Visit ConversionTruthForFamilies.org for more resources, real stories, and faith-aligned support.