Susan Cottrell: Choosing Her Child Over Her Church

Susan Cottrell spent more than two decades in a non-affirming evangelical church. She and her husband, Rob, raised five children there, led Bible studies, and built their adult lives around the community. Then their college-age child, Annie, called with news that Susan's church had taught her to fear.

Her first response was not the one she wishes she had given. Believing she had to protect Annie, she urged them not to "give in." What followed was a choice between the two most important parts of her life, and she made it. The family left the church, and Susan went on to found FreedHearts, a ministry that helps Christian parents keep both their faith and their LGBTQ+ children.

Today Susan is an international speaker and author with a master's degree in theological studies. Her TEDx talk has drawn more than 1.6 million plays on TED.com. She tells her story for parents who are afraid that accepting their child means abandoning their faith.

Snapshot of This True Story:

• Susan Cottrell spent more than 20 years in a non-affirming evangelical church, where she and her husband, Rob, raised five children and led Bible studies and worship.

• When Annie called from college at 20 to say they thought they were bisexual, Susan's immediate instinct, shaped by her church's teaching, was to urge Annie not to "give in."

• Her closest friends at Bible study told her that being gay was a sin and that she could not accept her child.

• Susan realized she was being asked to choose between her child and her church, and chose her child.

• The family left the church and lost their community, along with friends and some family members.

• A year later, their youngest child came out as well, and Susan committed to becoming the parent her children deserved.

• She and Rob founded FreedHearts, a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that offers free resources to parents, LGBTQ+ people, educators, therapists, and churches.

The Phone Call From College

Annie was 20 and away at school when the call came. The news was simple: Annie was attracted to girls and thought they might be bisexual.

Susan did not respond with open arms. She loved her child, and she was a leader in a church that taught that being gay was wrong. Her instinct, as Advocate coverage of her talk put it, was to urge Annie not to "give in."

Many parents will recognize that moment. The first reaction usually comes from fear and from everything a parent has been taught, not from a lack of love. It also matters more than most parents realize. Researchers have found that family rejection in adolescence and young adulthood is among the strongest predictors of poor mental health outcomes for LGBTQ+ young people.

Being Asked to Choose

Susan took her struggle to the people she trusted most. She shared it with close friends at her Bible study, hoping for wisdom. They told her that being gay was a sin and that she could not accept her child.

That answer forced the question into the open. In her TEDx talk, Susan describes the moment everything clarified:

"I realized I was being asked to choose between the two most important parts of my life: my child and my church. I chose my child."

The cost was real. The family left the church that had shaped their adult lives, and lost friends and family along with the community they had known. Susan has said she came to believe she was being called to serve the LGBTQ+ community, and that calling began with the person on the other end of the phone.

The Parent Who Had to Change

Susan's story does not skip the hard part. Acceptance did not arrive in a single moment, and she is open about that.

What she describes is a change of direction. In her own blog years later, she wrote that when Annie came out, "I was the one who needed to change." About a year after Annie's call, the family's youngest child came out as well, and the work became more personal still. She resolved to become the mother her children deserved, and to be a mother figure to LGBTQ+ people whose own parents had turned them away.

That reframing is the heart of her message to parents. The question to ask is not how to change your child. It is what you may need to unlearn so that you can be the parent your child needs.

Faith Without Abandoning Scripture

For many parents of faith, the deepest fear is that acceptance means giving up the Bible. Susan carries unusual standing to speak to that fear. She holds a master's degree in theological studies, served as vice president of PFLAG Austin, and has spent years helping parents hold their faith and their children together.

Her books say as much in their titles. "Mom, I'm Gay": Loving Your LGBTQ Child and Strengthening Your Faith is written for parents who assume they must choose between the two, and Radically Included: The Biblical Case for Radical Love and Inclusion makes the scriptural argument directly. In a podcast interview, she describes how her own research led her to see a rulebook approach to Scripture as deeply flawed.

Her point is not that faith should be set aside. It is that a parent's faith and a parent's love are not opposing forces, and that the church's loudest voices are not the only ones who read the Bible.

FreedHearts: A Ministry Built From the Wound

Susan and Rob turned their loss into a mission. FreedHearts, which they founded in 2013, is now a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that offers its resources at no cost to parents, LGBTQ+ people, educators, therapists, and churches.

The work meets families where the damage is. The organization helps LGBTQ+ people heal wounds from family and religion, and helps therapists respond to the impact of faith-based family rejection and harmful conversion therapy. That damage is well documented. Major medical organizations have found the practice ineffective and harmful, and its documented harms include an elevated suicide risk.

Susan sees the other side of that equation every day. When a parent chooses their child, the whole family's story changes. For a parent standing where she once stood, her life is an invitation to make the same choice.

Key Lessons from Susan's Story for Parents

A first reaction made out of fear can be undone. Susan's instinct was to urge her child not to give in. She went on to build her life around the opposite message. What you say first is not the last word.

You may be asked to choose, and you can choose your child. Susan describes the pressure from her church as a choice between two things she loved. Choosing her child cost her a community, and she says it was the right choice.

Change begins with the parent. Susan realized she was the one who needed to change. Doing your own work is not a concession. It is what lets a child trust you again.

Faith and acceptance can coexist. You do not have to give up your faith to love your child well. Susan's theological training and her books are built for parents who fear that they must.

You are not alone. FreedHearts exists because Susan once needed it and could not find it. Free support, resources, and community are available to your whole family.

Share Your Own Story

If this account resonated with you and you'd like to share your story, please feel free to share your own experiences surrounding conversion therapy in any capacity. We look forward to hearing your story.