Welcome to The Christian Family Companion
Part 3: Re-Centering Family Roles and Outside Support (Month One)
You've made it through Day One. That alone is something worth recognizing. You've made it through the first few weeks. The immediate shock has probably eased up some, though you still have rough days. You've started finding your footing again, keeping up with routines, and maybe even having moments where this feels manageable.
Now you're entering Month One – roughly three to five weeks after your child first shared their struggle. This phase is about re-centering: figuring out how your family works in the aftermath, getting clear on roles and boundaries, and thoughtfully deciding if and when to bring in outside support.
Month One is when you move from just-getting-by mode into a more sustainable approach. You're not just surviving day to day anymore; you're starting to build a framework for how your family will walk through this long-term.
This doesn't mean you've got everything figured out. But it does mean you're ready to make some intentional decisions about structure, support, and next steps – decisions you couldn't make effectively in those first raw days.
Where You've Been
Before moving forward, let's take stock of what you've come through. Over the past few weeks, you've likely:
You've been through a lot in a short time. Give yourself credit for how far you've come. The fact that you're here, still engaged and still showing up for your family, says something real about your strength and your commitment.
What to Expect
You Might Feel Inside
A Different Kind of Tired
The rush of adrenaline from the initial shock has worn off, and now you might feel a deeper tiredness—the kind that comes from ongoing emotional work rather than a one-time crisis. This is the long-haul phase, not the sprint.
Living With Not Knowing
You're probably realizing that this isn't going to have a quick fix or a neat and tidy answer. That not-knowing can be uncomfortable. Many parents struggle more with the uncertainty than with any particular outcome.
Pressure to Make Decisions
You might feel pushed—from inside or outside—to figure things out: Should you get counseling? Do you need to tell more family members? What rules or boundaries should you set? How do you talk about this with your child going forward?
Grief That Comes and Goes
Just when you think you've worked through your feelings, another wave of grief might hit. You might grieve the future you imagined, the simplicity of before, or the relationship you thought you had. This grief doesn't follow a straight line; it ebbs and flows.
Guilt About Your Own Needs
You might feel bad for needing support yourself, for being tired, or for having days where you just don't want to think about any of this. Remember: you can't pour from an empty cup. Taking care of yourself isn't selfish.
A Little More Compassion (Mixed with Difficulty)
You might notice that your perspective is softening in some ways. You might see your child's struggle more clearly now, even while you're still wrestling with your own feelings about it. Compassion and difficulty can sit side by side.
What to Expect from the Outside World
Your Family is Finding its "New Normal"
Everyone in your house is adjusting to this new reality in their own way. You'll start noticing patterns—who talks about it openly, who avoids it, who seems most affected, who seems to bounce back quickest.
Your Child May Have Questions or Requests
As your child sees that you're not rejecting them, they might start asking for things: using a different name, changing how they dress, telling certain friends, or other steps related to their identity. This can feel overwhelming if you're not ready.
Other Kids May Be Affected
If you have other children in the house, they're picking up on the family vibes even if they don't fully understand what's going on. They might act out, pull back, or ask direct questions. You'll need to figure out how to talk with them about this.
Relationships With Extended Family are Shifting
As more people potentially learn about what's happening, you might notice changes in family dynamics—some people getting more supportive, others more distant, others sticking their nose in where it doesn't belong. Managing these relationships takes energy.
You're Getting Advice You Didn't Ask For
Well-meaning folks might share articles, suggest approaches, or tell you stories about someone they know. Some of this will help; much of it won't. Learning to filter and set boundaries becomes important.
Regular Events Feel Different
Family gatherings, holidays, or normal activities might carry new weight or awkwardness. You're figuring out how to move through regular life while processing something significant.
What You Can Do
Practical Steps for Month One
1. Have a Family Meeting (Just Your Household)
It's time to bring everyone together for a calm, intentional talk. Pick a time when you're all home and relatively relaxed—not right before bed or when rushing out the door.
Set the right tone: "We're going to check in with everyone about how things have been lately. This is a safe space to share feelings, ask questions, and make sure we're all on the same page as a family."
Let everyone talk (including other kids if they're old enough):
How are you feeling about everything that's been happening?
What's been hard?
What's been okay?
What do you need from the rest of the family?
Share your own experience briefly without taking over:
"This has been challenging for me too, and I'm still figuring things out. But I want you all to know I'm committed to our family staying strong."
Repeat what matters:
Respect and kindness are still required
We don't talk about our family's private business outside unless we all agree
It's okay to have different feelings; it's not okay to be mean
Keep it reasonable – maybe 30 minutes to an hour max. The goal isn't to solve everything but to open up communication.
2. Get Clear on Your Role as Parent vs. Problem-Solver
One of the most important shifts you can make this month is understanding the difference between being your child's parent and being the person who "fixes" their struggle.
Your role as a parent:
Love your child
Keep them safe
Provide stability and structure
Walk with them through difficult times
Set healthy boundaries
Help them access good support
Not your role:
Change who your child is
Make their struggle disappear
Control their internal experience
Take responsibility for their identity
Solve something that isn't actually a problem needing a solution
When you try to be a problem-solver for something that isn't really a problem but a reality to navigate, you end up creating new problems—tension in your relationship, your child shutting down, and your own ongoing frustration.
Focus on being the best parent you can be, which means accepting that some things are outside your control.
3. Think Through Whether Your Family Needs Outside Support Right Now
This month, carefully consider whether your family would benefit from professional support – and if so, what kind.
Ask yourself:
Is your child showing signs of serious distress (depression, anxiety, pulling away from activities they used to love, talk of self-harm)?
Is your relationship with your child getting worse despite your best efforts?
Are you and your spouse having real trouble communicating about this?
Do other children in the house seem significantly affected?
Are you feeling completely overwhelmed and unable to function?
If yes to any of these, it might be time to get help. But be careful about what kind of help.
What to look for:
A licensed therapist or counselor (not just someone with religious credentials)
Someone who works with families (not someone who promises to "fix" your child)
A professional who will work to strengthen your family relationships (not tear them apart by blaming you)
Someone who uses approaches backed by evidence (not unproven theories or "conversion" methods)
Red flags to avoid:
Anyone promising they can change your child's orientation or identity
Programs that blame parents for causing this
"Therapy" that focuses solely on your child being "broken"
Practitioners who don't have proper credentials
Approaches that create secrets between you and your child
If you're not ready for professional support yet, that's fine. You might just need more time, or you might be managing okay with the support of trusted friends or your faith community.
Set Clear Boundaries with Extended Family
This month, you need to lay down clear boundaries with extended family members about what is and isn't okay when it comes to your child and your family's situation.
Examples of boundaries you might set:
"We're happy to update you, but we're not open to unsolicited advice right now."
"Please don't ask [child's name] direct questions about this. If they want to talk about it with you, they will."
"We need you to trust that we're handling this as parents. That means not second-guessing our decisions or saying negative things about our child."
"We're not discussing this at family gatherings. Let's keep those times focused on just being together."
Practice saying: "I appreciate your concern, but we've got this. We'll reach out if we need support."
Some family members will respect these boundaries right away. Others will push back or ignore them. Be ready to follow through if necessary—limiting contact, ending conversations, or keeping people out of the loop if they can't respect your boundaries.
Your first responsibility is to your immediate family, not to managing extended family's opinions or feelings.
Create a "Safe Words" System with Your Child
This month, set up a simple system where your child can signal to you when they need support or when something feels overwhelming.
For example:
A specific word or phrase they can say that means "I need to leave this situation."
A text they can send that means "I need you, but don't want to talk about why right now"
A gesture (like touching their ear) that signals "This conversation is making me uncomfortable"
This gives your child a way to communicate needs without having to explain everything in the moment, and it strengthens your bond as you work together as a team.
6. Check In on Your Marriage/Co-Parenting Relationship
If you're co-parenting, this month requires paying real attention to your partnership.
Set aside a specific time (away from kids) to talk about:
How are we each doing?
Where do we see eye-to-eye in how we're handling this?
Where do we differ, and how can we respect those differences?
What do we each need from the other right now?
Are we showing a united front to our child?
Common challenges couples face:
One parent wants to talk about it all the time; the other needs more space
One is more accepting; the other is more struggling
One wants immediate action; the other wants to wait and see
Resentment builds when partners feel unsupported
Commit to:
Not undermining each other in front of your child
Giving each other grace for different ways of coping
Checking in regularly rather than letting resentment build
Getting couples counseling if you're truly stuck
Your partnership matters tremendously during this time. A united (even if imperfect) parenting team provides security for your whole family.
Practice Really Listening to Your Child
At least once this month, have a conversation with your child where your only job is to listen – not to advise, fix, or correct, but truly listen.
Ask open-ended questions:
"How have you been feeling about everything lately?"
"What's been the hardest part for you?"
"What do you wish people understood about what you're going through?"
"How can I best support you right now?"
Then just listen. Fight the urge to:
Jump in with solutions
Correct their feelings or how they see things
Turn it into a teaching moment
Make it about your feelings
Sometimes your child doesn't need you to do anything except hear them. That alone can strengthen your relationship significantly.
Build Your Personal "Toolkit"
This month, find 5-7 specific things that help you settle down when you're overwhelmed. These should be varied – some quick, some longer; some active, some restful.
Examples:
Quick (5 minutes or less): Deep breathing, listening to a specific song, stepping outside, prayer
Medium (15-30 minutes): Walking, journaling, talking to a friend, reading scripture
Longer (an hour or more): Exercise, going to church, spending time in nature, doing a hobby
Write these down where you can see them. When you're feeling overwhelmed, pick one and actually do it – don't just think about doing it.
You can't be the parent your child needs if you're running on fumes. Taking care of your own regulation isn't selfish; it's necessary.
Talk with Other Children in Your Family
If you have other children, this month requires paying attention to how they're handling what's going on with their sibling.
Have age-appropriate conversations:
Younger children (elementary age): Keep it simple and reassuring. "Your brother/sister is going through some confusing feelings right now, and our family is figuring out how to support them. You're still safe, loved, and important."
Tweens/teens: More direct. "You've probably noticed some things going on with [sibling]. We want you to know what's happening so you're not confused or worried."
Check in on their feelings:
How are they handling the changed family dynamics?
Are they feeling left out because so much focus is on their sibling?
Are they worried about their sibling or about themselves?
Do they have questions they haven't asked yet?
Make sure they know:
Their importance to the family
That you're available for them too
That it's okay for them to have complicated feelings
That family loyalty means supporting each other, even when things are hard
Don't let other children get lost while you're focused on one child's struggle.
Make Decisions About Who Knows What
This month, get intentional about who knows what's happening and what they know.
Ask yourself:
Who absolutely needs to know? (Usually: immediate family, maybe a few close friends or pastoral support)
Who might find out eventually? (Extended family, school, community)
Who doesn't need to know? (Casual acquaintances, distant relatives, social media)
Decide with your child:
Do they want certain people to know?
Are there people they definitely don't want knowing?
How much detail are you comfortable sharing?
Create simple scripts for different situations:
For people who need to know: [Give appropriate details]
For people who don't need to know: "We're navigating some family things right now, but we're okay. Thanks for asking."
For people who get nosy: "I appreciate your concern, but that's private to our family."
Once information's out there, you can't control it. Be strategic about what you share and with whom.
Take a Fresh Look at Your Faith Practices
This month, examine how your faith is serving you during this difficult time.
Questions to think about:
Is my faith community a source of support or stress right now?
Are my prayer practices helping me find peace or making my anxiety worse?
Am I reading scripture in ways that comfort and guide, or in ways that condemn?
Do I need to step back from certain faith activities temporarily?
Are there faith practices I've let slide that might help right now?
Consider:
Talking to a trusted pastor or spiritual director who can provide guidance without judgment
Finding scripture passages that speak to loving through difficulty rather than having all the answers
Adjusting your church involvement if it's causing more harm than help right now
Remembering that doubt and questioning are part of faith, not betrayals of it
Your faith should be a resource, not a weapon – against yourself or your child. If it's becoming a source of shame or confusion rather than strength, something needs to shift.
Do the "Three Things" Exercise Weekly
Every Sunday this month, write down three things:
One thing that was harder than expected this week
One thing that went better than expected
One thing you're grateful for
This helps you:
Acknowledge difficulty without being consumed by it
Notice progress even when it feels like you're standing still
Stay connected to gratitude and hope
Keep these lists. At the end of the month, you'll be able to look back and see how far you've come.
Common Challenges and How to Handle Them
Challenge: "My child wants to start making changes I'm not comfortable with."
Approach: Talk about timing. "I hear that this matters to you. I need some time to process and learn so I can make informed decisions. Can we talk about this again in [specific timeframe]?"
Challenge: "My spouse and I are fighting more than usual."
Approach: Schedule a regular check-in time. "Let's set aside 30 minutes every [day of week] to talk about how we're each doing, so things don't build up."
Challenge: "I feel like I'm failing as a parent."
Approach: Name one thing you did well this week. Just one. You're not failing—you're navigating something incredibly difficult while still showing up. That's not failure; that's strength.
Challenge: "People keep giving me advice I didn't ask for."
Approach: Get good at boundaries. "I appreciate that you care. We're working with people we trust to figure this out, so we're not taking advice right now."
Challenge: "I'm exhausted all the time."
Approach: Look at where your energy is going. Cut one non-essential thing from your schedule. Ask for help with something you normally handle yourself. Rest is productive; it's how you keep going.
Warning Signs You Need More Support
Watch for these signs in yourself or your child that might mean you need professional help:
In your child:
Pulling away from activities they used to enjoy
Big changes in eating or sleeping
Grades dropping
Talk of self-harm or not wanting to be alive
Increased substance use (if they're old enough)
Extreme mood swings
Cutting off all friendships
In yourself:
Can't function in daily responsibilities
Persistent thoughts of despair with no relief
Increased reliance on substances to cope
Complete inability to connect with your child
Thoughts of harming yourself
Feeling no moments of hope or joy
If you notice these signs, reach out for help right away. This isn't something to tough out alone.
What NOT to do This Month
About "Quick Fixes"
Don't:
Spend this month gathering everyone's opinion
Force your child into programs or treatments they haven't agreed to
Use shame or guilt to try to change your child
Neglect your other children or your marriage
Share information on social media
Make permanent decisions while you're still emotionally raw
Compare your family's journey to anyone else's
Do:
Trust your gut as a parent
Keep showing up even when it's hard
Maintain boundaries that protect your family
Take care of yourself so you can take care of others
Remember that love and faith will get you through
What's Next
Getting Ready for Year One
Next month, we'll talk about sustaining strength and hope in your home over the long term. For now, focus on this month—re-centering your family, establishing healthy structures, and making thoughtful decisions about support.
You're building something important this month: the framework for how your family will navigate this going forward. It's not flashy work, and you might not feel like you're making progress. But you are. Every intentional decision you make, every boundary you set, every moment you choose presence over panic—it all matters.